Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
plums roundup
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Gemma Correll
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey