me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
the simulation is moving too fast
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Sing it!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*