Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.