Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Death certificates are our last participation award.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Thinking about a snail with a limp

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.