Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron