Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Cheer up.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.