[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
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While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
This is amazing.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.