[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

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Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.


Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.


Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.


A heart shaped bed is only romantic because you have to snuggle, or both of you would have your feet hanging off the end of the bed, and they’d be his ‘n hers demon bait, and that wouldn’t be very romantic to most people who like heart shaped beds.


I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids


I’m on hold. My call is important to them.


Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.


*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!


Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.