Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.