Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Finally
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.