[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
middle school in the ’90s
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.