[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]