Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.