Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

Lmfao

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.