Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

No Google it does not

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this