Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

This makes total sense…

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Genius idea!!

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE