Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

Stop making fast and furious movies.