Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

always be there

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.