Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
No one can handle that
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late