Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Jogging

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.