Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Clients after you give them your rates

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

[montage of me giving-up]

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

Did I do this right

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.