Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

They did not think through this water fountain

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻