Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover