Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
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Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
