Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe