Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks