Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

And that about sums it up.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”