Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Hank is one in a melon.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?