[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Life is short. Stop to smell the roses. Take a walk in the rain. Be nice to a stranger. Hold up a convenience store.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*