[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.