@KateWhineHall

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

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@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@TheBoydP

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

@maurajbg

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

@thenatewolf

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?

@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@DuhhEmma

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….

@ramjitsingh_

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.