@KateWhineHall

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

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@Marlebean

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

@davidkenny100

Gwen Stefani:
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…

Cut to kid opening lunch box

@briangaar

Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.

@GirlfriendHaver

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@MGolicJR57

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

@TacoFelines

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

@CantWaitToNap

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

@JohnLyonTweets

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.