[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
at ease…shoulder.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I wish gyms had a “montage” option