[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies