[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
You Might Also Like
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?