[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!