[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Does beer think about me too?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
How animals would run if they were human
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
First I was a pebble..
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
We’re all getting idioter.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what