*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Mad Max Arctic Road
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
