Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the red hot silly peppers

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.