*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is