[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
She knows her part so well!
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I put the I in Insufferable.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is