[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.