@RobDenBleyker
@dorsalstream
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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@RobDenBleyker
@chuuew
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
@arcadeseals
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
@E_lok44
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
@TwinSurvivalist
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
@Reverend_Scott
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
@dumbbeezie
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
@GermanFreckles
*enter password*
*wrong*
*wrong*
*wrong*
*reset password*
…
*new password can’t be the same as old password*
@ThaJawn
Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?
Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?
@xysist
Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded