@dorsalstream

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

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@chuuew

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@E_lok44

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

@TwinSurvivalist

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

@GermanFreckles

*enter password*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

@ThaJawn

Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?

Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?

@xysist

Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded