[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.


It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.


That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??


Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women


*enter password*




*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*


Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?

Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?


Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded