[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?