[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.