[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣