Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”