Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

oh u like history? name everything that happened

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.