Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Spoiler Alert: I was late

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?