DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.