Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.