Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

🐶😂

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

The news

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.