Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

This is always good for a laugh.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

same energy