Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”