Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”