Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: π πΎπ π·π΄π°π π³ π·πΈπΌ.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes thatβs why youβre here
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
16: βWhatβs an inheritance tax?β
Me: βNothing you need to be concerned about.β
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: itβs bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you donβt know wtf youβre talking about
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Do you think Sarah Sandersβ husband calls her βthe colonelβ when they eat fried chicken in bed?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
βbut you said you were right around the corner.β Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Listen, Iβm one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried eggβ¦
With that said, scrambled it is.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: Iβm never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*puts words between two asterisks*
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My kids super power is knowing he wonβt like a food before he even tries it