@nellyweather
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
@NotOnTheMoors
Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation
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@nellyweather
@poutycorpse
Kudos to dogs for enduring seven 2018s
@dubiousrhetoric
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
@BeffernieBlack
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
@DougStanhope
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
@AnimalSavages
Me as a dad
@JohnLyonTweets
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
@Faceyspace
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
@bulls_horns
25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.
@LostFelicia
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?