[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.