person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
You Might Also Like
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Every. Damn. Time.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
There are usually two types of merchants.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference