Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.