drake the first dude to lose super bowl halftime show
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Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Cheer up.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.