Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?