Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
i’m gonna allow it
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”