Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Happy Febuary everyone!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.