Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
You Might Also Like
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!