Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
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Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.