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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
No one buys my theory that red fire hydrants are filled with ketchup and yellow fire hydrants are filled with mustard.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.