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I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
This is a genius move
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
i’m still crying at this
