Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.