*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now