*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
😭😭😭😭
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
wish me luck lads
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.