Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

me opening up to someone

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

this could fix me

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.