Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

🤣

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

🎵 I can’t wait to

Monday Lisa

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.