drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
greetings!
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.