drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
i did the math
at ease…shoulder.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
that lip filler tho
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.