Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

“what that mouth do?” complain

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

🎉🥳

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo