Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.