Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.