Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.