Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were