Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.