Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.