Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
That time Alicia messaged me
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.