Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries