Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.