Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.